“Getting to ‘NO'”

I am looking forward to leading the 2pm workshop for the DFW International Facility Management Association (IFMA) FMEXPO at the Irving Convention Center at Las Colinas. Dale Hansen is the keynote speaker, so I guess I’m like the warmup band?

Excited about the topic: “Getting to ‘NO'”: “Learn to have productive conversation around difficult issues, enable all parties to feel that they have been heard, and then say, “No.” For many, one of our first words was no, and yet we often have trouble saying it. Understanding the factors behind our own resistance will equip us to develop confidence and collegial humility in our interactions with others when we need to say no, as well as when we are told no. The goal is to maintain good working relationships while pursuing the needs of all interested parties.”

Facility Managers are the folks behind the scenes that keep everything moving. Pulled in multiple directions from top, bottom and horizontal, they have to maintain an even keel, balance competing wants and needs, and as often as possible leave folks feeling that they’ve been heard and their interests matter. This is a difficult task under any circumstances. I’m excited to offer them some additional resources and help them practice to further enhance these skills.

GETTING TO NO

William Ury wrote The Power of a Positive No as a follow-up to the original Getting to Yes, cowritten with Roger Fisher, and ten years later Getting Past No. His premise in the most recent book is that it serves as a prequel to the earlier two, laying the groundwork for the entire endeavor. Getting to Yes focuses on the outcome, Getting past no focuses on the objections of the dialogue partner, while The Power of a Positive No focuses on the self. Getting to no requires, according to Ury, understanding what our highest goals are, what we most want in the long run, rather than what we want in this moment. Acknowledging these Yeses enables us to prioritize toward needs over wants, away from immediate gratification, and to choose response over reactivity.

RFP: Washington SBE Meeting Facilitator

I just submitted my proposal to serve as the facilitator for the September meeting of the Washington State Board of Education. Travel won’t be the most convenient, but getting to fly in and out of Seattle, visit some friends, drive across the mountains to Yakima, and work with educators, policy wonks and politicians would be exciting.

Here are the minutes from their last meeting.

Here is my general approach to facilitation and strategic planning.

Below is what I’ve told them I would do and how I would approach the work.
I’m interested in what others might think about this proposal.

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PROJECT WORK PLAN
Based upon the RFP, our plan would entail the following:

  1. Consult with Board executive team to identify meeting goals and produce agenda after review of past meeting minutes and reports.
  2. Clarify level of relationship and familiarity among board members to determine usefulness of spending some focused time building rapport among participants to enhance work environment and boost productivity of board meeting time.
  3. Based upon goals and agenda, select processes that will enable board to accomplish its work efficiently and effectively while furthering its commitment to the mission:
  4. Facilitate meeting in collaboration with Board executives.
  5. Prepare and submit report of the meeting outcomes.
  • Provide advocacy and strategic oversight of public education;
  • Implement a standards-based accountability system to improve student academic achievement;
  • Provide leadership in the creation of a system that personalizes education for each student and respects diverse cultures, abilities, and learning styles; and
  • Promote achievement of the Basic Education Act goals of RCW 28A.150.210.

TECHNICAL APPROACH
Facilitation

We have over 20 years of experience facilitating event planning and the events themselves. This has included medical staff training with Veterans Administration Hospitals, city and county governments, non-profit organizations, and corporations. The coach approach to facilitation is focused on building leadership capacity within the leaders and members of the group. Current reading in the areas of leaderless organizations and the work at Harvard Business Review in Military Leadership (particularly ideas like “commanders intent”) focus on building shared vision and leadership capacity across all levels of an organization. This again relates directly to the field of Systems Theory, which recognized and capitalizes on the interconnections among the disparate parts of an organization.
My own professional experience has included several years of college level teaching at two schools. My family has been committed to public education for five generations, and I would be pleased to support the work of the Washington State Board of Education in its endeavors. While I am based in Texas, I am building a national and international clientele and am happy to do the necessary travel.
Successful meeting leadership requires balancing the identified goals and agenda that the organization has for the meeting with the individual participants’ personal and professional needs and motivations for sharing in the work. In other words, the leaders need to be clear on what they want accomplished. Further, the participants need to see their place in that, and feel that they are making a meaningful contribution to that work and recognize how it relates to the larger organizational vision, and hopefully also how it advances their own personal goals for their life and career. These competing claims are balanced in two ways. 1) The leader determines the goals of the group and plans the meetings needed to accomplish those goals (preferably in consultation with a select few direct reports and others – remember we are trying to build leadership capacity at all levels). 2) The leader plans multiple types of meetings to address the various needs of stakeholders. Some meetings provide a setting for collaborative brainstorming of emerging challenges and responses. Others are geared toward developing a particular solution and moving it toward concrete action. Still others are on their surface simply about reporting decisions already made or conveying other important information. Different temperaments of leaders are disposed and repelled by these three types of meetings, as are the people being led. Thus a balance is required to keep everyone engaged and to accomplish all of the work to be done as effectively as possible. Transactional leaders should not lead half day visioning retreats. Similarly, big-picture leaders should probably not lead budget meetings, which would then devolve into navel gazing and never complete the concrete and serious tasks at hand. Both types of leaders and meetings are necessary and important. Understanding which is called for at any given time requires forethought, and humility on the part of the leader to recognize – I cannot do everything with equal effectiveness. This again is where the diversity available becomes such a huge asset. The more types of people in the more places, the more likely the organization is to have competent leaders and managers in each area who can rise to the challenges, and pass along their particular expertise to others.

 

Personal Needs in Intimate Relationships

Download pdf here: SL- Personal Needs in Intimate Relationships

Needs to be met (write in your own observations in each category quadrant):

Physical:

  • Affection and caring shown through touch
  • Sexual intimacy that is open, vulnerable, tender and safe
  • Safe, secure shelter
  • Financial security
  • Nourishment
  • Encouragement of physical health and wholeness
Psychological / Emotional:

  • Affirmation
  • Shared interests
  • Respect
  • Space
  • Companionship
  • Security
  • Trust
  • Support
Social:

  • Public Affirmation
  • Public Naming and Claiming
  • Affirmation of other’s ‘social style’ (Introvert/Extrovert)
  • Mutual circle of friends
  • Acceptance of other’s family
  • Support for other’s interests & appropriate participation
Spiritual:

  • Support of freedom
  • Challenge to grow toward wholeness
  • Spiritual connections
  • Some shared spiritual interests
  • Agreement on spiritual relationship

His needs / Her needs:

Take time, on your own individually, to think through the four categories above. Read through each list, spending time thinking over each item. You may add some others that you think or feel are important and worth listing separately. Pray about each area, and seek to know yourself and your partner honestly and fully. Listen for the leading of your own spirit and God’s Spirit together guiding you through this process. On separate sheets of paper, give yourself plenty of room to elaborate on each item in the four quadrants. Identify both the what and the how of the need – specific enough that you can follow through later. Complete the exercise both for what you perceive your partners needs to be, and what your own needs are. Then, from that work, list below the top needs of each of you that can/should be met by the other. Before you begin, read the back of this page fully.

My needs to be met by my partner:
My partner’s needs to be met by me:

Affirmation and Agreement:

As you come together once you have completed the lists of needs, consider simply trading papers without comment, each of you taking some time, again by yourself, to read through the list, think and pray. What do you hear your partner saying from her/his heart? Then come back together and work through the following:

  1. Affirm the things that your partner discerned about you, both in what your need is now and how they think it can be met. Remember, you are building a foundation for a life together – the more open and generous your conversation, the better your relationship will be and the stronger it will grow over time.
  2. Ask clarifying questions where you do not understand. CAUTION: Your goal is not ot show up your partner and how little they know about you – rather, you want to take this opportunity to reveal more of yourself to your partner for your mutual benefit.
  3. ALERT: Are there some places where needs have been identified that are not yours to meet? No partner or friend can or should try to meet every need in the relationship. Most of us need friendships and interests outside our most intimate relationship. Some needs are only God’s to meet – we can not save one another, fix one another, make one another righteous, heal one another’s brokenness, give one another meaning and purpose in life, or give one another a healthy sense of self-worth. Only God can give these things. However, we can do things to erode or undermine God’s work in our and our partner’s lives.
  4. Agree together on what the priority needs are in your relationship and how you will intend to meet them. Your marriage vows will include your covenant statements to meet one another’s needs – this is a step in that journey together.
  5. Affirm again. Express your gratitude to your partner for the willingness to be open and vulnerable, to trust you with their deepest self, and for their desire to meet those of your needs that are theirs to meet.

Next Steps

A marriage, a family, or any other intimate relationship takes work. And anything that takes work takes commitment. Whatever would be healthy must be fed and nurtured regularly, or it will wither and die. Different relationships require different amounts of nurture and tending, just as do different plants. A cactus needs far less water and nutrition and can bear greater heat and scorching sun – but how many of us want to snuggle up to a prickly-pear?

It will be worth your while to keep this exercise handy. Consider reviewing it at least annually on your anniversary as a way to keep your commitments fresh, and to continue to grow in your awareness of yourself, your partner, and your relationship with one another and with God, as all of these grow and change over time and through experience.

A blessing

May the love that joins you together be boundless as the sky, deep as the oceans, beautiful as the mountains, and powerful as the love that God has for you.

How do you see yourself?

Certainly our opinion of our physical appearance matters. Messages from family and friends mix together with subtle and hugely overt valuations based upon body type and various standards of beauty. We then internalize and process these messages and draw conclusions about ourselves which impact how we move through the world. Watch this video, and then let’s continue the conversation…

Clearly these women were impacted by the stark difference between how they described themselves and how complete strangers, after only a brief meeting, described them. Seemingly without exception the descriptions of others were softer, radiating greater openness to others and peace with self. What a gift this became for participants.

I wonder how else this principle might be applied. I wonder if we similarly judge more harshly our personality quirks and foibles. What if we had a way to receive warm affirmations from others of what they see and appreciate in us, holding that alongside our own views, and allowing them to inform one another? the exercise in the video included an interpreter, someone who listened to both descriptions and then sketched what was heard.

This exercise can be used in coaching, spiritual direction and counseling, where an individual (it also works with groups) is invited to self-describe. Then outside observers are asked to give a separate description without any collaboration or comparison. The coach then is in the position of reflecting back what was heard in both descriptions, literally sketching out the images that have been offered, and then exploring the similarities and differences and walking with the client toward new insight into themselves, greater appreciation and love for self, and thus more compassion toward self and freedom and peace in life.

Organizations (businesses, non-profits, churches) can benefit from a similar exercise.

Less formally, friends could do this for one another. In the simplest terms, at church camp we frequently have kids give one another “warm fuzzies” – brief notes of affirmation – “What I see and appreciate about you is…” These are incredibly powerful for many, to the degree that friends of mine have held on to theirs for 35 years and longer.

  • How might you benefit from a neutral set of eyes on your life, highlighting beauty you are unable or unwilling to see?
  • When will you be ready to invite someone to facilitate this new growth for you?