Tag Archives: communication

“Getting to ‘NO'”

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I am looking forward to leading the 2pm workshop for the DFW International Facility Management Association (IFMA) FMEXPO at the Irving Convention Center at Las Colinas. Dale Hansen is the keynote speaker, so I guess I’m like the warmup band?

Excited about the topic: “Getting to ‘NO'”: “Learn to have productive conversation around difficult issues, enable all parties to feel that they have been heard, and then say, “No.” For many, one of our first words was no, and yet we often have trouble saying it. Understanding the factors behind our own resistance will equip us to develop confidence and collegial humility in our interactions with others when we need to say no, as well as when we are told no. The goal is to maintain good working relationships while pursuing the needs of all interested parties.”

Facility Managers are the folks behind the scenes that keep everything moving. Pulled in multiple directions from top, bottom and horizontal, they have to maintain an even keel, balance competing wants and needs, and as often as possible leave folks feeling that they’ve been heard and their interests matter. This is a difficult task under any circumstances. I’m excited to offer them some additional resources and help them practice to further enhance these skills.

GETTING TO NO

William Ury wrote The Power of a Positive No as a follow-up to the original Getting to Yes, cowritten with Roger Fisher, and ten years later Getting Past No. His premise in the most recent book is that it serves as a prequel to the earlier two, laying the groundwork for the entire endeavor. Getting to Yes focuses on the outcome, Getting past no focuses on the objections of the dialogue partner, while The Power of a Positive No focuses on the self. Getting to no requires, according to Ury, understanding what our highest goals are, what we most want in the long run, rather than what we want in this moment. Acknowledging these Yeses enables us to prioritize toward needs over wants, away from immediate gratification, and to choose response over reactivity.

Learning to Ask Questions

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Notes for a sermon from 07152012

Mark 8:27-38

How many of us had a teacher in school who said, “There are no dumb questions”?

And yet, what percentage of our education was about asking questions versus memorizing answers or collections of information?

We learned who did what to whom where and when.

Did we learn to ask and explore why?

We learned that John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln on April 14, 1865 at the Ford Theatre during a production of “Our American Cousin”.

Did we learn to ask why? Or what other explanations there may have been? No.

We learned that Lee Harvey Oswald shot John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963 near Dealy Plaza.

Did we learn to ask why? Or what other explanations there may have been? No. Oliver Stone asked these questions in his 1991 movie JFK, but he was mocked by many as a conspiracy theorist.

Why do we mock someone who questions the predominant view? Why is the skeptic ridiculed?

I want us to think together about the role of questions in our faith, and how we might learn to ask questions.

Listen for the word of God in our scripture reading from Mark 8:27-38.

In this text we hear Jesus ask the disciples two questions. “Who do people say that I am?” and “Who do you say that I am?” Why did Jesus do this? Why ask questions of the disciples, and why these questions?

Are we to conclude that Jesus did not know what people thought about him? Was Jesus doing what many of us have done – wondered what other people thought of him? Have you ever been in a group and wondered what the people around you thought of you? Have you secretly wished that you could read their minds and know what they thought? Or perhaps you decided you are better off not knowing what some of them think.

And then the focus shifts from the crowd to Jesus’ closest associates. “Who do you say that I am?” Never mind what all those strangers, groupies and hangers on think. What about you, my closest companions – what do you think of me? Who do you think that I am?

It is important to recognize that this question is not asked in John’s gospel – there would be no point, because by the time John is telling his story of Jesus, we have a messiah who is boldly standing in the market and in the temple making “I am” statements to anyone who will listen. John’s Jesus tells everyone who he is, so there is no need to ask what people are saying.

Not so with the Jesus of Mark. In fact, Mark’s account, likely the earliest written of the four biblical gospels, includes what is called the messianic secret. Here we see Jesus repeatedly heal people and then require that they tell no one what has happened to them or who has accomplished this work. Mark’s Jesus is determined to keep as low a profile as possible. So then it makes sense for Jesus to ask, “Who do people say that I am?” and “Who do you say that I am?” Because Jesus had been pretty vague and evasive about who he is. He kept talking about himself in the third person as the Son of Man – 13 time in fact (8:31, 38; 10:33, 45).

But again, we are left wondering why he is asking the questions. Is it because he doesn’t know the answers? Perhaps, since scripture is clear that Jesus’ knowledge was limited – in Mark 13 we learn that only the Father knows the details of the consummation of history – the Son does not know. So it is reasonable to think that he lacked other information as well. Yet we also know that Jesus seemed able to know the thoughts of the Pharisees when they doubted him.

This line of our questioning is worthwhile in itself. It invites us into a deeper curiosity about Jesus and his ways, in which we are to walk.

Let’s say for the sake of argument that Jesus is not seeking information – either he already has it, or doesn’t really need it. Jesus’ interest is not to be told what others think about him. Jesus’ desire is to invite the disciples into a journey of reflection and discovery. Perhaps they had not really stopped to think about all of the different things that were being said about Jesus. “Some say John the Baptist” who by this time had been beheaded. “Some say Elijah” who it was said would precede the Messiah – which is why Jesus said that John came as Elijah. “Some say one of the prophets” – a leader after the example of the Old Testament prophets who came to call the people of Israel back to more faithful worship in their covenant relationship with God – to restore justice and lift up the downtrodden.

It is worth our stopping to note these three things that were said. Jesus’ behavior fit into some preexisting categories and familiar frames of reference – Prophet, Elijah, John the Baptist. Jesus was unusual, but not unique in the way others saw and experienced him.

As we think about who Jesus is to us, we might stop and spend some time asking Jesus’ first question for ourselves. Who do the people around us say that Jesus is? Who do our neighbors and coworkers think Jesus is? Who do the people at the mall or the ball field know Jesus to be? What can we learn about Jesus from asking this question humbly and really listening to the answers? Are we willing to do this, and then to listen to what other people say? We will talk next week about learning to listen and hear. For now, it is enough to learn to ask questions. The questions Jesus asks of his disciples, we might ask of ourselves.

It does not stop there though. Jesus also asks, “Who do you say that I am?” This is so important. Jesus has not said publically that he is anything other than the son of Joseph the carpenter and Mary from Nazareth. In Mark’s gospel we do not even have the benefit of the Holy Spirit’s confirmation at Jesus’ baptism, nor Jesus public proclamation as he reads from Isaiah 60 in his home synagogue. We have to figure out for ourselves from the evidence given – from watching and listening to Jesus. And after a while, he asks us, “Who do you say that I am?”

Peter’s answer is the only one we hear, and that answer is partial. “You are the Messiah.” In contrast to the answers of others that Jesus is one who would precede the Messiah, Peter has determined, perhaps in conversation with the other disciples, that Jesus is the Messiah. The messiah was to be a political revolutionary – we might liken him to George Washington and Thomas Jefferson rolled together – a wise military and political figure who would bring freedom and would become the next king of Israel, deposing both the Emperor and his todies – Pilot and Herod.

Mark’s Jesus also does not say, “Blessed are you, for only God has revealed this to you.” (Matthew 16:17)

He says, “Don’t tell anyone!” “Sternly ordered” is how Mark puts it.

That’s not really our point here, but it is interesting, how Mark handles the story of Jesus.

Anyway, back to questions.

If the questions are intended to prompt reflection on the part of the disciples, then Mark intends that we do the same – that we wonder about who Jesus is; that we learn to ask these questions.

Why not just tell us who he is? Why did Jesus approach his ministry in this way? Why did Mark tell his story in this way? What is with all of these questions? Would somebody please just give me a straight answer for a change?

Well, it won’t be Jesus. Did you hear how Jesus answered the question asked of him – by asking his own question? Granted, the Pharisees were trying to trick him, but still. Jesus certainly could have given a direct answer if he had wanted to. Again, there is something about questions.

We have one other question to consider.

Jesus calls a blind man to him and asks, “What do you want me to do for you?”

Is he serious? The man is a blind beggar. What does Jesus think the guy wants? Though to be fair, Jesus does have a history of not meeting the most obvious need people have. Remember the paralytic on the mat who was lowered through a hole in the roof by his four friends (Mark 2:1-12). Jesus pronounces that his sins are forgiven first, and only later proclaims physical healing. Over in John’s gospel Jesus asks a man who has been ill for 38 years whether he wants to be made well (John 5:1-9). That sounds like another crazy question, similar to the one addressed to the blind man from Mark’s story.

Why ask these questions?
Does Jesus not know what they need? Can he not guess what they want?
The answer to both these questions is probably yes. So what is going on?

Again, I’m suggesting that Jesus wants these people to think about what they want and need. Mark is asking us to do the same. We need to learn to ask ourselves these questions and make them the object of our meditation and prayer. What do I really want? What do I really need? Do I really want to be made well? Am I willing to accept the changes that will entail? If I pursue the dream that I have, if I pursue wholeness and vitality and a life lived fully for God, what will it cost me? What is at risk? Bartimaeus had only known blindness and begging for his whole adult life – he would have to completely relearn how to function in society. None of his old coping mechanisms or ways of relating to others will work any longer if he accepts healing of his blindness. So Jesus is right to ask him and us this question. Mark is right to ask us this question. We are right to ask ourselves, and one another. What do we want God to do for us? Do we want to be made well?

I want to suggest one final thing. I think that questions about God are the most powerful language we have. It is more powerful to ask someone a question about God than to make a statement about God. When we ask someone about what they want or need, or about who they understand God to be, we are engaging their own faith. When we tell them what we think they need, or what we think the right answers are, or even who we think God is, then we are not engaging the part of their brain where faith is formed. The part of the brain that takes in data is different from that which dreams, imagines, asks and discovers.

Three Models of Coaching Compared

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FROM: NOTES ON Educating the Reflective Practitioner by Donald A Schon

Joint experimentation ~ Follow me! ~ and Hall of Mirrors

Joint Experimentation (296)

  • Help the student formulate the qualities she wants to achieve
  • Explore different ways to achieve them (by demonstration or description)
  • Coach works at creating and sustaining a process of collaborative inquiry – Must:
    • resist the temptation to tell a student how to solve the problem or solve it for her
    • not pretend to know less than he does
    • can use knowledge to formulate a variety of options, leaving student free to choose
  • Student must be able to say what she wants to produce – does not work when the student cannot envision a desired outcome toward which to work

Follow Me! (296)

  • Coach must improvise the entire scenario and execute the reflection-in-action units within
  • Coach demonstrates the process – Analysis-in-action
    • Separate the whole into units/chunks for analysis
    • Analyze the elements of each unit through various lenses
  • Reconstruct the whole in a new way with the units analyzed
  • Coach uses a wide variety of language tools and images to find those that “click” for the student
  • Student observes the coach and keeps her own thoughts and opinions to the side – otherwise they disrupt her ability to see and hear the Coach fully

Hall of Mirrors (297)

  • Continually shifting perspectives of Coach and Student between
    • Reenactment of some other aspect of the student’s practice
    • A dialogue about it
    • A modeling of its redesign
  • Conversation is viewed continually from two perspectives – seeing it on its own terms and as a possible mirror of the interaction the student has brought for study
  • Coach needs to have capacity to surface his own confusion – “models a new way of seeing error and “failure” as opportunities for learning”

Uses of Model II Behavior in a Reflective Practicum

Students ask:

What am I to learn?

Is it worth learning?

How can I best learn it?

Whether the practicum adequately represents the realities of practice?

The student shapes further learning based on the answers to these questions

Coaches ask:

What are students learning?

Where are they stuck?

How do they makes sense of the “help” they receive?

    The answers are useful to the coach to evaluate and guide further coaching

Students and Coaches “depend on the other party’s awareness of his or her experience, ability to describe it, and willingness to make it discussable – conditions not easily met.” (299)

  • Students are often unaware that they already know what the need to know
  • Coaches are often unaware of the knowing-in-action that informs their performance

    [People don’t always know what they know, nor what they need to learn, much less how to learn it]

    People often revise their learning history, erasing or softening periods of extreme difficulty

    In conflicted learning environments, student and coach tend to keep thoughts private

    HOW PEOPLE RESPOND TO DOUBT IN THEIR LEARNING EXPERIENCES (300)

  • Exchange doubt for true belief – creating a statement of certainty that is difficult to test – or revolting against any such “true belief” – thus creating a mirror certainty – “I’m certain nothing can be known”
  • Mystery and Mastery – private exploration of meaning of the other’s actions
    • “Free of the need to make our ideas explicit to someone else, we are less likely to make them explicit to ourselves.”
    • Undiscussability and indescribability reinforce each other
  • A Better Way – “When a coach reflects aloud on his own knowing-in-action and encourages his students to reflect aloud on theirs, both parties are more likely to become aware of gaps in their descriptions and understandings”
    • Realizing the value of such, the coach is more likely to take such risks again!
    • The Coach then models (using Follow Me!) a mode of inquiry that students can mirror

    The Successful Coach

    The coach will use all three models at various times, and may even move from one to another within a given session depending on the goals and needs of the student. Important to remember are the Model II values and behaviors that flow throughout. Coach and Student: are co-creators of the experience; practice vulnerability and transparency regarding their level of knowledge and understanding; are willing to resist the need to be “perfect”; Risk publicly testing private attributions; Surface negative judgments; Reveal confusions or dilemmas;Release the need to control the process our outcome

    Model II Heuristics (264):

    • Couple advocacy of your position with inquiry into the others’ beliefs
    • State the attribution you are making, tell how you got to it, and ask for the others’ confirmation or disconfirmation
    • If you experience a dilemma, express it publicly

Hospital & Homebound Visitation Ministry Training: Thursday, May 17th, 1 to 2pm @ www.twincreekshosp.com

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All those interested in Hospital Visitation Ministry – on behalf of their own congregation or as a registered hospital volunteer – are encouraged to join us for lunch on Thursday, May 17th, 1 to 2pm here at the hospital.

The topic will be: Effective Communication – Crucial Conversations Ch 5: Make it safe: How to make it safe to talk about almost anything

In this chapter, the authors address the issue of safety in our conversations – i.e. being able to speak honestly without people feeling threatened or moving toward a defensive fight or flight, silence or violence response. How often has there been an issue in your ministry that you wanted to address with someone, but were unsure of how to approach it – how to “broach the subject” with the person. You sense that it is a delicate topic and that it would be easy for people to feel threatened or have hurt feelings. This conversation will focus on how to work on safety in our conversations. This also builds on the Family Systems Theory conversations that we have had (see http://kengcrawford.com/coaching/family-systems-theory/).

Most of our ministry requires effective communication of care and compassion, of ideas about self, God, life, about choices and consequences. For the coming months, we will be working through the book Crucial Conversations, (see www.crucialconversations.com to learn about the book or order your copy) I have prepared a handout for each session that summarized the book, but you will find the discussion much more rewarding if you read the book for yourself. It is easy to read, and provides insights with practical tips for more effective communication when the results truly matter. You will also develop skills for helping other people improve their communication skills at home, at work, and even with God. You can also access my chapter outlines at http://kengcrawford.com/crucial-conversations/ .

This is a good meeting to attend for those desiring a volunteer opportunity with the hospital, as well as those who are simply exploring various ministry opportunities and would like to learn more about hospital ministry and dialogue with those who are currently involved. Our goal is to supplement the training and education that you may have received in your own congregation or other settings.

My role here at Twin Creeks is a complement to my work as Pastor of Forest Grove Christian Church, so I understand the importance of caring listening in the congregational and hospital settings.

The training and lunch are free.  We ask is that RSVP so that we can prepare.  Please RSVP by Tuesday, 5/17 to Ken Crawford – kcrawford@twincreekshosp.com
Ken Crawford, Chaplain
www.twincreekshosp.com